Tis the Christmas season. At least in your home. Bah Humbug to Hearths Warming this be Christmas country friend. Despite a large volume of similarities between the two, you're going to insist on that. But there are differences, Christmas exclusive traditions, and you gotta play them up so ponies don't think you're crazy. Er than usual. First on the list Mistletoe, you've never observed that tradition and you never met anyone who did. You're doing it now though. Which brought you to Flutterbutters cottage. "So, I need to find Mistletoe and I thought you'd know where I can get it." "You shouldn't eat Mistletoe berries Anon. Mr Bear got a nasty tummy ache when-" "I don't plan on eating them, well aware they're toxic. I just need them for a Christmas tradition." Flutter looks up at you with timid curiosity. "What kind of tradition? If you don't mind me asking?" "Help me find some and I'll show you." No idea why you said that. Well you're committed now, besides it'd be pointless going to all this effort for a plant if you weren't going to make full use of it. --------------------------------- "So then we hang it here in the doorframe." Fluttershy looks up at you like you're crazier than usual. Fuck. "It's very nice Anon but couldn't you decorate your doorway with nicer, less poisonous plants." You crouch down so you're face to face with her. "Ah but the second part is whenever two people meet beneath mistletoe-" And give her a chaste peck on the cheek. "They have to kiss." Flutters looks a bit flustered now. And is her chest fluffier than usual? She makes some excuse about feeding Angel and makes a quick exit. Guess you embarrassed her. --------------------------------- After a brief trip to the market you've come home to find a Pinkie in your doorway. That doorway. You give her a sceptical look. "Twilight or Fluttershy." "Both." You'd expected Twilight to come round, her lust for knowledge is very lustful. But Pinkie? Well you can tolerate a little silly pony antics, tis the season and all that. As you lean in for the standard peck on the cheek, hooves wrap around your head and- Yep that's some tongue action. --------------------------------- It's dark now and it's been a long day. Pinkie was not the last pony to visit your house today, there's been a constant stream of mares under your mistletoe. Some didn't even bother with concocting a flimsy excuse for visiting. Your jaw muscles hurt. You just want to lie on the couch and sleep. The front door opens and closes. "Greetings Anonymous." You know that voice. Luna. Princess or not you're really not not the mood for this tradition anymore. It has reached saturation point and the fun has been sucked out. "Listen Princess, I'm not in the mood for this anym-" "Nay, Anonymous. Thou misunderstand, we are not here to steal thy kisses." Oh thank fuck, it's just a social call. You twist on the couch to face Luna, only to find yourself face to butt with Moonbutt's Moonbutt. "We are here for something else." And there's mistletoe hanging from the base of her tail. /-----------------------------------------------------------------------/ Another day closer to christmas. Another tradition, the school play. Admittedly ponies do their own theatre at Hearths Warming but it's not done by school ponies. It's more professional, featuring real actors and prominent members of the local community. Amateur night at the local school is totally different. This is alot bigger than weeds and a sore jaw though. You'll need a plan. Step one: Convince Cheerilee to let you do this. Gotta prepare arguments and things. Step two: Choose a play, nativity is boring, Christmas Carol is a wee bit too dark. This could be tricky. Step three: Put on a major child theatre production single handedly. Yeah this doesn't sound like a huge undertaking at all. -------------------------- "That sounds like a wonderful idea! The foals and fillies will be so excited to put on a human theatre piece." That was easy. You expected Cheerilee to question, resist and argue. I mean there was the last time you- Oh right. You're not trying to use school resources for shenanigans. It's all legit this time. "I'll come by after school to discuss rehearsals with you." You don't like the way she said 'discuss'. Starting to regret the mistletoe. ------------------------- "You really think you have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?" "Yip.. Yippee... er line?" You sigh internally. Directing is a stressful job and you're not getting millions of bits from universal studios. "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. We'll go from Silver Spoon's line. ACTION!" "You really think you have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?" "Yippe-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Die Hard is the most christmassy of movies. "OK CUT. We'll take a short break, check over your scripts again." "Anon?" "Yes Scoot?" "What's a motherfucker?" /-----------------------------------------------------------------------/ Today you've been experimenting. The traditional christmas dinner. It's not gone well. All went wrong pretty quickly, starting with the turkey. While you're certain you can get a turkey and prepare it, you're the only one for hundreds of miles who would eat one. Unless you wanted to invite wild animals to dinner. It's not much of a christmas feast if you're the only one eating. So you had to find an alternative. And in a moment of genius you realised if you couldn't have a turkey, you could make one. Which has lead you to this point. Your kitchen looks like an explosion in fruit shop. You feel disturbingly sticky from all the juice. And all you have to show for your efforts is a fruit turkey. It's two mangos impaled on carrots, taped to the side of a large watermelon. .... Yeah this is a bust. But you still have one last ace up your sleeve. Santa Claus. /-----------------------------------------------------------------------/ It's the dead of night, no ponies are stirring, not even the- That's not accurate at all actually. For starters it's about 2300, not the dead of night. And there are ponies awake, Luna, her night guards, the driver of the train you're on. But apart from that everyone is asleep. Ponies go to bed ridiculously early most nights. Honestly it's no wonder Luna had her little... thing. But you're getting distracted, you're on a mission. The train arrives at Canterlot at 2330. Another half an hour to reach the park. Then 6 hours to build Santa's workshop in time for sunrise. Fucking hell this is gonna be a long one. ---------------------------------------- The clock struck midnight when the Anon reached the park, he snuck and he sneaked quietly through the dark. And that sly Anon did- Get out of my head Dr Seuss! The place looks very picturesque in the moonlight, trees, the frozen stream, undisturbed snow almost glowing with starlight. You pause and take it all in. Because you're about to wreck it. In the park warden's, to be perfectly honest ridiculously large, tool shed is everything you need. Carefully and quietly moved here over the last two weeks. The wall, floor and roof segments of the grotto, not made from plywood or by Ikea. Had to do all the work yourself, making a flatpack building is not easy. Decorations, magic battery to power the lights, furniture, wood burning brazier to keep you from freezing, Santa costume complete with pillow belly. And most importantly of all, the big sack of presents. As you think of that immense sack, you have a moment of doubt. You've blown pretty much your entire life savings up to this point on filling it with presents. And you weren't exactly going for quality over quantity either, that's not say the presents are shit or anything. But buying in bulk doesn't exactly get you the best of the best either. There's a lot of woodcraft and scented candles in that bag. With any luck this will be a minor christmas miracle and you won't spend the next ten christmas's regretting the attempt. On the other hand the fact that you've kept all this secret so far is something of a christmas miracle already. You hope that's not the case, pretty sure it's only one christmas miracle per person. Welp, time's wasting. You grab a shovel and begin clearly some space for your grotto. ---------------------------------------- "Fucking hell! Why must hammering nails be so fucking hard?!" "MY KINGDOM FOR SOME POWER TOOLS!" Oh shit, should not have shouted. You'll wake someone. Idiot. ---------------------------------------- It's probably about 4am right now, can't be sure, the park only has a sundial. You're dog tired, but it's done. You had high expectations and for once you seem to have meet them. It honestly looks like Santa's Cottage just dropped out of the sky and landed in Canterlot City Park. The multi-coloured lights, the tinsel running along the picket fence, the giant candy canes and the soft orange light of the brazier peeking out the windows and door. Jiminy fucking Christmas you are actually tearing up. Must be fatigue. You can snatch an hour or two of sleep before dawn. Sitting on the high back antique chair within, between the fire and the christmas tree, kind of makes you wish you had a mirror. You've seen yourself in costume and it's pretty good. But not with the right surroundings, it probably looks awesome as fuck. Ah well, time for a powernap. ---------------The Next Morning------------------------- Things are off to a bit of a rough start, you were woken after dawn by the wretched sunlight coming in the windows. You got organised. And then you waited. And waited. And waited some more. Eventually a pony poked its head through your doorway. Without a moments hesitation you were in character and let out your loudest and most jolly HO HO HO! Which caused the pony to immediately bolt in fear. Now to be fair you know ponies can be skittish and you may have come on a little strong. You can hear the crowd gathered outside gossiping and occasionally a pony will press its face up against a window. Eventually one of the braver ones will come in and you can try again. Maybe switch up your methods, less boisterous jolly santa and more restrained grandfatherly santa. ------------------------------- You are Umber Cloud, Solar Guard. And you had barely got your armor on this morning before being called away from your post. A 'fat, red, bearded monster' has set up a house in the park, apparently overnight. While nopony would lie to a guard, you're pretty sure there's a degree of exaggeration in the story you were given. You doubt that it had an attack beard or that candy canes can be menacing. No matter how large they are. Making your way through the crowds with a stern "Make way for the guard." and a reassuring "Everypony remain calm." you reach the supposed house. Years of guard experience keep the shock out of your expression. Those candy canes are very large. Almost menacing. Still, the place doesn't seem dangerous. This will be quite simple. Just go inside and tell whoever is in there that they'll have to move their cottage out of the park. If they managed to put it up in one night, they can move it just as easily. Trotting confidently towards the door, you head inside. The inside is... nice. It reminds you of your grandfather's home at Hearth's Warming. The only difference is there's a fat, red, bearded monster in your grandfather's chair. "Come in, come in little pony. No need to be shy." He even sounds like your grandfather. Shaking off the nostalgia you walk up to the creature, ready to quote city ordnances. Only to be seized in two gloved claws and sat on the creatures lap. "Ho ho ho, and what's your name little pony." You've been caught completely flat-hoofed and off guard, your mind goes blank with no idea what to do next. "Er Umber Cloud?" The creature nods thoughtfully, while you wonder where all your guard training went. "Umber Cloud... And have you been a good stallion this year?" Say something authoritative, get off his lap, hoof him in the face, do something! You're a guardspony darn it! "Yes?" "I thought I saw your name on the Nice List." He has a list of nice ponies? "What would you like for christmas?" "Christmas?" The creature laughs so hard, his belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly. "Can't decide. That's okay." The creature sets you back on your hooves and reaches into a big brown sack next to the Hearth's Warming tree pulling out a... A present. It offers it to you and you slowly take it. "Now off you go, I'm sure you've got a busy day ahead." "What- Who are you?" "Why I'm Santa Claus. HOHOHOHOHO!" You slowly walk towards the door unsure what exactly just happened, while the creature laughs like you just told the funniest joke in Equestria. ------------------------------- You are a happy Anon. Who knew being Santa Claus was so much fun. All the happy pony faces. Things really kicked off after that guard came in. It's been a constant flow since then. Some come in groups, some by themselves. Fortunately ponies are polite enough to queue and wait their turn. And no one has seen through your disguise or if they have, they're playing along. Frankly, the only thing you've been worried about is running out of gifts. You've not been keeping count but you should have run out by now, or at least be near to running out. There hasn't been time to check the sack but every time you reach in, there's something there. If you don't run out in the next hour, then you'll know for certain something fishy is going on. Of course, there's every possibility one of your Ponyville friends uncovered your plans and is surreptitiously helping out. You'll sort that out later. "Mr Santa?" "Hmm?" There's a group of little fillys standing in front of you and they have a big tray of sandwiches. Pretty sure you've seen them earlier this morning... "Ho Ho Ho, well hello there." Yeah they've been in here before. Sorry little ones, it's one gift each. "And what brings you back here?" "We- We thought you might be hungry, so we made you some sandwiches." "Our parents helped!" "We didn't know what you like, so we made lots of different ones." That's so sweet, you're actually choking up a bit. Damn it, stay in character. "That's very kind of you. Would you like to stay and share them with me?" The young ponies smile back at you. "HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! TO ONE AND EVERY ONE!"