?I've been racking my brain trying to find a way to start writing this, and I can't think of anything great. There's really no way of making any of this sound good, but it's something I need to do. This is a combination of cartharsis, letting go of my regrets, and sincerely trying to apologize for anything and everything.
?When I first joined Outer Hayven, it wasn't even called Outer Hayven. The game hadn't even started yet, and the server was only a couple days old. I had seen the first ever thread on /mlp/, and thought it sounded like fun. I had never really been a part of any huge communities before, and I thought it would just be a few people, but I was still incredibly nervous when I joined the server. Looking back, I don't think those nerves ever fully went away.
?Even so, I was having fun helping to start up the game in what little way I could given my inexperience, and with getting to know the people that were there at the beginning. This just so happened to be around the time where I and my family were preparing to move to another county, and it was hard on all of us, The server was a pleasant distraction for me and an escape from the stress of the move and the sadness of leaving behind my old job. I was grateful for it, and I was grateful to everyone who was there and came to see them as my only friends.
?While I had fun in the beginning, real life problems and stress began to compound onto me. We hadn't yet found a house to live in yet and were staying on church property which was much too small for my 8 person family and I was looking for a new job, having no luck whatsoever. In addition to other smaller things, everything stacked up and caused me to become depressed. I've had issues with depression before multiple times in my life, and for me, it often manifests in extreme emotion. As in when I'm sad, I'd be ugly crying to myself, and when I'm angry, my blood would be boiling, etc. This was around the time when my first disputes began to pop up. I'm sure you know the story from there.
?Do not misunderstand me here. I don't bring up the past and all these details to try and tell a sob story and gain sympathy, nor to try and give excuses for my behavior. I just feel like some context for how I acted is necessary so that you all may understand everything that's happened a little better. I admit to every wrong thing that I did and said, and acknowledge that I was punished accordingly for it.
?I'm going to be as transparent as I possibly can about the events of what happened after my ban. I was obviously very distraught and tried to add as many of the people from Outer Hayven on Discord as I could so I wouldn't lose contact with them. As I did and continued to lurk the latest thread, I saw people who were glad to be rid of me. At the time, I saw it as a major betrayal. I saw most everyone in OH as a good friend, and the fact that it wasn't mutual anymore was a crushing blow to me. After a while, I cleaned out my DMs of anything OH related except for Nightlight's, who is still a friend to me now and I'm very grateful. When that was done, I went looking for a new group to join.
?In my search, I found a somewhat newer server called Hope is Here, which claimed to be a sort of "self help" group where one could be supported through the hard times in life. I immediately joined, and when they heard what happened to me, I was accepted with open arms. The owner of the server, Ares (not what he's called now, but I won't say his new username) seemed especially sympathetic. During that time, I just thought he was being kind to me, but now I don't think that was entirely the case.
?As time went on, I started noticing odd behavior from Ares. Behavior that seemed familiar to me. He was paranoid of being reported, fishing for attention in the general chat, and generally being unpleasant. I chalked it up to him going through a rough patch at that moment. He had made me one of his moderators, so often real problems fell to me since he wasn't able to respond to anything properly, and I was very annoyed about that. That was definitely not the worst of it though.
?About a month and a half in, I got a report about Ares sending sexually inappropriate messages to some of the women and girls in the server, one who was only 14. After seeing screencaps, I tried to talk to him about it and tell him that there's no way he can continue to be an admin after doing that kind of thing. Then he banned me from his server. Luckily, one of the other admins who I was friendly with had a server of his own, and a bunch of the people from Hope is Here moved there, including the victims of Ares' harassment. It wasn't until all that was over that I realized something.
?The irritating and whiny behavior that Ares was constantly showcasing had seemed familiar to me, and I finally understood why. It was the exact same kind of thing I was doing while I was in OH. I began to wonder to myself if I would have gotten any worse like that if time had gone on. I might have gone from insulting people relentlessly because they made me mad to trying to dox them or get them banned if I hadn't gotten the boot. The thought horrified me, and I finally began to see that I had become a monster when I was kicked out. This was hard for me to deal with at first, but I decided that I couldn't let my depression take hold of me again, and that I wanted to turn around and make a change for real this time.
?I had finally found work again about a month before, so I wasn't frustrated about being unemployed anymore, and I began to put all my spare time into the new server, ironically just called Haven. I would talk to people when they were feeling down, trying to help them with their problems best I could, and be the best moderator I could be.
?But then another OH thread appeared on /mlp/. When I first saw it, an idea crossed my mind. I would make another account, say that it's a dummy I made to join the server and use the excuse that I didn't want it connected to anything MLP related. My hope was to reintegrate myself, differentiate from my old terrible actions and words, and eventually when the time was right, reveal who I really was. As I'm sure you're aware, that didn't happen. Despite my efforts to try and be as different from myself as possible, enough of me clearly sunk in to where people grew suspicious. When I was confronted by the commissars, I chose to just leave the server myself and leave a parting message on the thread. I intended that to be the end of it and to just move on from OH for good... but then I saw the replies people made, and the monster started to return.
?I made a reply to the thread. I'm not proud of what I said. I lost control of my emotions for the first time in months, and immediately after posting it, I felt guilty. I sincerely apologize for what I said then. I suppose that's as good a segue as any to get to my individual apologies. I'll be going in order of events as they happened for the most part.

To Quicksilver - I'm sorry for falling out with you. I said and did things that I shouldn't have, and I regret being pushy with certain things, even if I was only trying to help. I understand if you don't want to forgive me, but I truly am sorry for everything.
To Moire - I won't be specific about anything because I know you're a private person. I apologize for the things I said to you and for anything that I did to hurt you.
To Spot-On - I am sorry for the way I treated you. No matter what you did or said to me, and whether it was intentional or not, that was no excuse for anything I did in retaliation. I can understand never wanting to speak to me again, and maybe that's for the better, but know that I wish you well.
To Fine Stitch - I am sorry for being vindictive and preachy to you. No matter what opinions one has, that's no excuse to try and get them in trouble or try to force them to apologize for something that's long over with. I wish I was able to know you better, we could have grown to understand each other more.
To Blossom - I apologize profusely for the insults I hurled your way. I was blind to see that you were only trying to help me and took it as you trying to hurt me. I should have recognized good natured banter and ribbing as just that instead of personal attacks.
To Northern Lights and the Commissars - Lights, you were trying to save me from myself for a long while, but I never listened. I'm sorry for never hearing what you were trying to tell me.
To all the commissars past and present, I sincerely apologize for my constant attempts to fish for pity and attention in main channels, and for all the drama behind the scenes I caused. Having been a moderator these past few months, I have a new appreciation for how hard it can be, and I'm very sorry that I made it harder on all of you.
To Sam (Moonshine Melody) - I am sorry for any comments about your situation that I've made, including the recent one in the post to the thread. I truly hope that you find happiness someday somehow, and I wish I could have spent more time talking and bonding with you, since you seem like a real cool mare.
To Torchlight - I have to be honest, I really don't know if you hate me so much because of how terrible I was, or because I did something to you in the past and can't remember it. I'm going to apologize anyway, because my behavior is worthy of your scorn.
To Nightlight - You have stuck with me through all of this, and what did I do in return? I lied to you when you asked if I was the new account who joined. All I can say is that I'm sorry and that I hope you can forgive me.
To everyone else - There's not a whole lot I can say, really. I can say "I'm sorry" a thousand times and it won't mean anything compared to how much trouble I caused for OH. You have every right to be glad I'm gone. I made so many mistakes that I know I'm forgetting a lot, so a blanket apology is all I can give. I'm truly sorry for everything.

?I guess that's really all that I have to say. I really don't expect anything but more replies calling me terrible, horrible, no good. I also can't say I deserve anything better than that for how I acted. I'm sure you know my Discord tag, but in case you don't or you blocked it from your memory, it's J.#2936. You can send me whatever you want, whether it's a message saying how this whole thing I wrote means nothing, a rant about how much of a piece of shit I am, or the .0001% of a chance that some of you might want to maybe make up. If you're interested in joining a community of people who are dedicated to being there for each other when times get tough, Haven's ID is here: https://discord.gg/97AHrKd
?If you would like me to prove that I'm not lying about the stuff with Hope is Here, Ares, and all that jazz, I would be happy to provide some as well. Besides that, I suppose it's up to you whether you believe anything I say at this point.
?If I could make one request however, it would be this. If any of you decide to message me, please don't call me Key Tapper. That was a name I went by when I did terrible things to the people of OH, and I don't want to be associated with it anymore. Just call me J., or hell, even Jared. Other than that, you can say what you like.

?Goodbye, Outer Hayven. For how much you did for me, I should have been eternally grateful, but instead was vicious and cruel.