Time in the “town” passed uneventfully, as it was bound to do in such a underdeveloped place. John had no money, so he did what any man who had played a significant amount of RPGs in his spare time did. He went around looking through crates and picking up gold. He even did it when he saw the guard approaching, but they didn’t do shit. He found a barrel behind a blacksmiths shop, and it was literally filled with gold coins. Literally. “HOLY SHIT, that’s a fucktonne of gold, yo harpy, come take a look at this shit”. “W-wow that’s a lot of gold, I wonder who left it here?” the harpy questioned.  “It’s mine now, finders keepers, and also the first rule of RPG vidja”.


“Ser Knight, what’s a RPG  Vid-dee-dja?”
“It’s an....a... it’s a thing. Magical, yes... very complex, forget you heard anything. And by the way, what’s up with that ‘ser knight’ bullshit? I’m an adventurer not one of those paladinfags. Jesus, get your shit str8 m8, meet you by the g8, ahahahah.... Damn I’m funny”
“You are my knight, you saved me and brought me rest, and cared for me”
“Oh yeah, that. But common decency dictates you should help others out in need”


Wait. Wait just a minute there, She just called me her “Knight”, holy shit, is it possible that I’ll get my own fucking monster harem? That’d be fucking sweet, thought John to himself. After that small insightful conversation, they went around the front into the same blacksmiths shop he had just ‘liberated’ the gold from, and spent most of it getting himself some fuckheavy armour and a thick as fuck towershield, and a proper weapon, because his replica sword was some useless shit. He got himself a Halberd, because swords are for pussies.  “This should get me at least +140 armour class, I mean, I look just like Havel the Rock, and everyone knows you can’t stop the rock”. Avina was past asking questions of her knight, and she was beginning to suspect he was not all right in the head. “Man, I can’t move around in this armour it’s too fucking heavy, maybe if I lifted more, hey Harpy do you know where there’s a mage or enchanter in this town? Because I have a genius idea”. So Avina lead them to the local enchanter, the creaky sign above the door read ‘Discounte enchantementtes’ John snickered at the poor spelling and capitalisation of the sign, and strode in. He then proceeded to get Featherweight Enchantment(focus self, burden -350) on his armour and weapons. In exchange for this, the young (somewhat handsome) mage demanded to have sex with the harpy. “Sure, why not, have fun!” The harpy emerged from the shop with tears in her eyes and blood between her legs. “He... He didn’t stab you or anything?” The harpy just shook her head , and stifled some more tears. “Come on, I’ll get us a room at the inn, assuming there’s one in this shithole. And thusly, John swaggered forward, now clad in his exceedingly ‘fuckhuge’ armour, He felt like a fucking tank, or immovable wall or some cool shit like that. They found a room and John took off most of his armour, only leaving on a spiked gauntlet, It was getting dark and the two moons were aligned.
“Say, why’d ya do it? I’d have been happy to pay the magus with real money if you had expressed your discontent”
“It is my duty to obey my sworn knight, as I am his servant” The harpy flatly replied

“WOAH WOAH WOAH, HOLD THE FUCK UP RIGHT THERE, what’s with this ‘sworn knight’ chivalry bullshit?  I come from a world where there’s Equality for everyone, where there is no slavery or discontent, where the majority may live comfortably and where no man, woman or child need call themselves servants. I come... from the First World. If you ever feel like not doing something I tell you to do, then you Don’t Fucking Do It, because everyone deserves a fucking choice, who to love, what to eat, who to live with, and what to work as. Don’t you ever, EVER fucking say you’re my servant again, because I can’t stand being equated to some pompous lordly old fat faceless fucks that gangbang their servants because ‘It can’t be helped’, got that Harpy?” Avina nodded her head, and they went downstairs to eat. The food, unsurprisingly tasted like shit on a shingle, but damn, both of the adventurers were hungry as fuck. Or at least John was. Avina ate chicken and John had the pork. After their meal they listened to the bard sing some sappy love songs, and Avina heard John mutter something about “Shit class” “combat support” “backstabbing traitor fucks” and “Can’t tank for shit”. She didn’t understand what he was talking about, in that strange dialect of his, but she was happy to spend time with him.

John was awoken from his sleep by a loud cawing sound, and when he groggily opened his eyes he saw, Harpy, she was straddling him, or standing on him. It looked awkward. She was holding his hands down with her razor talons, and her eyes were glowing red, as opposed to the...blue? Black? Brown? That they usually were, John couldn’t give less of a shit about her previous eye colour. She was saying things, almost whispering, so that even an ubermench like John could barely make out what she was saying. She was looking straight at his face, eye to eye. He could detect something there, something fierce, something primal. When she spoke her cute pseudo stutter was gone.
“You should have been my first, not that Magus. Sure he was gentle and kind, but he wasn’t you. It was supposed to be you”. She bent down to try to remove his boxers with her wings, and failed miserably. She resigned herself to using one of her talons as a hand, and in that moment, John struck, quick as fucking lightning. He struck at a speed that not even Accelerator could beat. He brought the spiked gauntlet up into the side of her torso, and she shrieked. The spikes were only an inch or two long, but they did their job as they drew blood. As she crumpled John hugged her close to him, not letting go. She cried and struggled, and even cursed at him, her meek disposition completely washed away. John leaned into her ear “The fuck you think you’re doing harpy? Didn’t I say free to love who you choose, didn’t I fucking say that shit not even 3 or 4 hours ago? I refuse to be raped by any monstergirl. I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO FUCK WHO I WANT. I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO FIND LOVE BY MYSELF. AND YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT RIGHT AWAY FROM ME? I WON’T FUCKING LET YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH, WHAT I DO IS MY OWN FUCKING CHOICE, NOBODY ELSES!”  She seemed to quieten down, and the rest of John’s night was spent hugging Avina close to him, so that she couldn’t get any combat manoeuvres in. He got no sleep till the morning.


“U-um. I’m sorry about last night Ser K-... I I um, don’t know your name ser”
“Oh, My name’s Anon” Replied John.
“Well, when the moons align many monsters get taken over by insatiable amounts of lust, I-I’m sorry I tried to rape you”
“Fucking figures, there has to be some excuse for wild orgies, doesn’t there?”

On their way out of the gate, John bought some white paint, and expertly wrote “Self Insert” in bold white lettering on his black helmet. John bought black armour because he was edgy as fuck. Sadly it didn’t have any spikes anywhere other than the gauntlets and toecaps. He also produced a chainmail vest and some greaves for the Harpy, and withdrew a set of large spikes that would fit over her talons. “I bought this shit for you, because I can’t have my first fucking companion dying on me, now can I, and I’d like to see you using those fuckhuge talons for something productive”.


Avina thanked Anon profusely, and they both set out the gate, on their new adventures, ready to battle all comers. On their way they spotted a centaur and an elf heading in the same direction.
“Hey, hey Knifears” John yelled out. “We’re going to get rich and famous, wanna come?”


After a brief altercation with harsh words being traded they set off again, this time with a centaur and slightly grumpy elf archer in tow. As it turned out, the centaur and elf were going to pursue their dreams of being the greatest bounty hunting team ever. The centaur had huge tits, I mean seriously fucking massive, andshealsohadalanceandsomearmourbutwhogivesashitamiright? The new group set off towards the coast, and after a few days camp reached the coast. The sea was calm and fishing boats could be seen doing their fishing boat things. “The sea breeze is crisp today, but it also carries omens” Knifears said. “The fuck does that mean, can’t you speak English?” retorted John, he was tired of her shit, with her stupid fucking elf customs and her stupid fucking speech patterns. Would it kill a bitch to speak less cryptically or would that lead to her having a heart attack? John’s musings were interrupted by a loud sound.


“PSSST! HEY PSSST!” It was a whispering woman, a small young whispering  woman up to her waist in the water.
“I SAY ADVENTURER, PSST! PSSSSST!”
“Holy fuck woman....girl thing, why are you yelling, the hell do you want?”
“I am searching for an adventurer, a brave and noble chivalrous knight who will take a fair maiden like me on a grand quest. I am searching for a paladin of love, hope and justice.”
“Well, in that case, you certainly came to the wrong fucking place, I’m out to get rich and famous, and those two over there” John nonchalantly pointed to the annoying elf and busty centaur, “are out to become the world’s best bounty hunters”
“Adventurer, please take me with you, I do not desire to be a political tool for my father the king, I wish to go on adventures and see the world” The little bitch was persistant.
“Fine, Get up here and we’ll continue, you can come if you want too, b-baka~”
So the little woman walked to the shore and then she, she...flopped gracelessly out onto the bank. She was a fucking mermaid. God fucking damn it, how the fuck was the party gonna carry this bitch around? “You never mentioned this...fish-Sticks”
“H-How rude I am Princess Me-”
“I don’t give a fuck, but I just got a great Idea, Hey Centorea, can you carry a mermaid, I mean, she only looks around 12”. “Fucking Disgusting flat chest loli scum. God seems to be pandering to fucking everyone around here.” John felt outraged that he got saddled with a useless fish woman.

“IMPERTINENCE, I AM A PRINCESS AND AM OVER 127 HUMAN YEARS OLD”


“So that makes it A-OK then, huh?” Replied John in a sarcastic manner. “Very well, I shall help her highness, as a Noble centaur like me is bound by the rules of chivalry, and my name isn’t centorea, It’s Aquaria.” The party continued on, exchanging japes and local knowledge, Fish-sticks was sharing tales of her great underwater kingdom and the ocean war with the kraken race. The Krakens were winning until the Scyllae joined the mermaids and beat back and turned the Krakens into a serf race. John got mad, and started talking about the virtues of equality and freedom, especially since it turned out that the mermaids started the whole war in order to gain more territory. Shit was fucked yo.  Fish-Sticks started talking about royal privilege, and the superiority of the mermaid race, and how it entitled them to rule over the “lesser species”. For her trouble she got a backhand slap across the face from John, who pointed out how the mermaids would have lost the war without outside help, and that they were in fact the inferior race. Fish-Sticks threw a bitch fit, and started bawling.

“That’s what I get for arguing politics with a child I guess”

They Continued on, further Inland this time, and came across a peculiar sight. It was an Arachne, With 5 manticore spikes wedged into her abdomen, and the holes were oozing black ichor. She held a shape to her chest, it was Johan. “Holy shit, It’s Johan, HEY JOAHAN, LONG ASS TIME, NO SEE, AM I RIGHT?” John bellowed at the Arachne. She was crying, tears streaming down her face. “Hey, It’s the Arachne that got him last time, come on harpy we gotta take this bitch out”

“Please wait, don’t take my husband from me, please... he he’s the only thing I have left, the manticore, she... she tried to take him away from me but I protected him, please.... please” As John drew closer he saw a large manticore spike embedded into the base of Johan’s spine. “He... I love him please don’t take him from me” The Arachne was unmoving and had a crushed leg. Johan had those empty mindbreak eyes that signified he no longer cared what happened to him, his arms weakly stroking the Arachne’s head and his legs hanging limp, the manticore spike had probably severed his neural connections.

“He had a wife and child you know, he had someone he truly loved, and you took that from him, how could you? You didn’t care about him, just raped and toyed with him and now he’s broken. Go on, ask him if he loves you, ask him how much he cares for you. GO ON!” John Screamed. Sure, he was the one that had left Johan behind, but this was inexcusable, she killed his mind, she took away his freedom. But she could keep him. She did enough damage already, and it seemed that she did truly love him, in a sort of sick and twisted way, otherwise she wouldn’t have blocked the spikes with her own body. John heard Johan whisper something to the Arachne, and she broke down in tears, all eight of her eyes crying. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please forgive me my love PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!” She cradled him close and moved off into the brush, limping on seven legs.

END OF PART 2 HOLY SHIT NGGA