PONIES THINK ANON MAKES A GREAT SALT LICK

>That feel when you discover that pony Apple cider is far too weak to get you drunk
>Unless you drink so much of it that you could stand in the town square and piss in the next county over.
>You explain your problem to a random pony in the bar one night.
>She offers you a block of salt.
>Glare at her.
"Does absolutely nothing for me. I sweat that stuff."
>She gulps. "R-really?"
>You've been working and have a good sweat on.
"Yeah, really."
>Roll up your sleeve and show her your sweaty arm.
>Tentatively, she leans in and sniffs it.
>Then she licks your arm.
"Hey! What the- GROSS!"
>You try to pull your arm away.
>She grabs your arm and licks faster.
>"Oh yeah, mmm, that's some good stuff there, mmm..."
"Shit's creeping me out, yo..."
>Feel two hooves and a tongue on your other arm.
>Ponies start mobbing you.
>You try to escape.
>You get tackled and forced to the floor.
>Ponies rip your shirt off.
>They are really going to town on you.
>Bartender finally breaks it up and kicks you out because you're lousing up his sales.
>Ponies really like salt, apparently.

------

>Pinkie Pie invites you over to bake stuff one day.
>Becuase she's Pinkie, why else.
>As you enter the kitchen, she already has the ovens preheating.
"Hot in here, isn't it?"
>"Gotta have heat to bake cakes!" She replies enthusiastically.
>Meh, fair point.
>She reads the recipe and fetches and measures ingredients while you mix the batter.
>"You're so good at this, Nonny!"
>Between the heat and the physical activity you're working up a good sweat too.
>Getting in shape since you came to Magic Talking Tiny Horse Land.
"Okay, what's the next ingredient?"
>"It's salt, silly!"
>>In a lightning move, she lifts up your shirt tail, shoves her head under your shirt, and begins licking your back.
>itsatrap.jpg
>You set the bowl of batter and the mixing spoon down as carefully as you can before Wrestlemania XLII breaks out between you and Pinkie Pie.
"Dammit Pinkie!"
>She wraps her hooves around you in a grip like iron.
"Stop that!"
>You try to push her off as her surprisingly long and flexible tongue roams all over your torso.
"That's gross!"
>"Don't stop me now, Nonny! Oh, you taste so good! Mmmm..."
>You grab the sprayer from the pot sink and begin spraying her with it.
"Lemme go!"
>"Relax! Pinkie has you now!"
>You finally resort to using spatulas to pry the now soaking wet and inebriated pony off of you.
>With a sigh, you readjust your clothing, pick her up, and carry her upstairs.
>You towel her off as she keeps slurring drunken come-on lines to you.
>"No one else has to know about us,"
>You put her to bed to sleep it off, then head back downstairs to clean up.
>Dammit Pinkie.

------

>Today should be a good day.
>Today is... LEG DAY!!!
>And that means meeting up at the gym for a workout session with one of the realest ponies you know.
>"Yo Anon!" your good friend and coach greets you. "What's up ya big goof?"
"I am! Bright and early and ready to hit the gym!"
>"Alright, way to be!" Rainbow Dash comes back, holding up one fore hoof which you immediately fist-bump.
>This is exactly what you needed after that disastrous night at the bar, and that weird session in the kitchen with Pinkie pie.
>Honestly, the last thing you had expected when she invited you over to bake with her had been to be sexually assaulted.
>But a good, solid training session with Wonderbolt Rainbow Dash should be just the thing to hit the reset button and help you get to grips with this strange affection ponies seem to be having for you lately.
>You and Dash spend about ten minutes warming up and stretching, because muscle injuries suck.
>Dash is almost as flexible as Blossomforth, and has really helped you to loosen up your own lanky frame.
>"Easy there, Anon, don't bounce, remember? Steady pull now."
"Yeah, okay I got it."
>Having stretched out, you and Dash immediately launch into a series of calisthenics targeting your lower limbs.
>You're a biped and she's a quadruped, so the mechanics are significantly different, but she always encourages you to do your best.
>"Good work! Let's take a break before we run. Don't forget to hydrate, bud!"
>She's also careful, solicitous even, to make sure that you don't hurt yourself.
>She's definitely improved your work-out habits, and you can notice the difference already after just a few weeks.
>You head out to the track, feeling the breeze on your skin as it glistens with sweat.
"So what's the bet today, Dash?"
>"Hmmm..."
>She adopts an uncharacteristically thoughtful pose.
>"Say Anon, I heard a weird story about you."
>Uh-oh.
"What's that?"
>She blushes a bit, but keeps her gaze fixed on you.
>"I heard that your sweat is, like, really salty."
"Oh, that mess in the bar?"
>"Pinkie told me."
>Dammit Pinkie.
>"So... it got me kinda curious, and here's what I'm thinking."
>You're sweating more now, but it has nothing to do with exertion.
>"I give you a fifteen-second head-start, and then I try to catch you."
"Catch me?"
>"Yeah, and if I catch you," she leers at you now, "I get to see for myself what that story is all about."
"What? Come on, Dash, that's not exactly fair. You're fast, even on the ground."
>"That's why I'm giving you a head-start, dummy! It'll motivate you to step up your game!"
>You are not exactly sure about that look she's giving you.
"I have a better idea for a bet."
>"Nope, you set the bet last week. It's my turn."
"Come on, Rainbow Dash, this isn't funny."
>"Fifteen."
"Cut it out."
>"Fourteen."
"What? What happened to a fifteen-second head start?"
>"Better stop talking and start running then. Thirteen."
>Rainbow Dash plants herself on the start line.
"If you're thinking of doing what I think you're thinking of doing-"
>"Twelve."
>Fuck it. Run.
>You take off down the track running like your chastity depended on it.
>"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" you hear Rainbow Dash yell behind you. "ELEVEN!"
>You block it out.
>You block everything out except your legs and your lungs, concentrating on pouring on as much speed as you are capable.
>Maybe if you reach the end of the track before her...
>Or did she mean for the first lap, like the bet usually goes?
>Not the full twelve laps, surely?
>Pace yourself.
>Don't wear yourself out.
>Her advice comes unbidden to your mind as you practically sprint down the track.
>You can almost hear her voice.
>In fact you can hear her voice.
>"READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!!!"
>SHIT!
>Shit, shit, shit, shit shit!
>Keep running.
>Keep breathing.
>Keep sweating.
>Dammit, she planned this!
>Rainbow Dash set you up!
>You hear hoofbeats behind you.
>Or maybe your imagination has gone into overdrive along with your legs?
>Nope, those are definitely hoof beats.
>You begin the first turn, and Rainbow Dash overtakes you on the outside, a look of determination on her face.
>She keeps powering along until she reaches the other straight and skids to a stop.
>"Caught you!" She says, with a triumphant grin.
"NOPE!"
>With a grunt of effort you hurdle her.
>You catch a glimpse of the surprised look on her face as you sail cleanly over her back with room to spare.
>"SO IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT?"
>Your landing is a little sloppy, but you regain your pace quickly.
>The opposite turn comes closer, if you can finish the first lap, she might concede.
>Yeah, when does Rainbow Dash ever concede anything?
>There's those hoof beats again.
>You start the turn.
>Reaching mentally for that lap marker.
>Determined to reach it before she does.
>Once more, a blue blur overtakes you on the outside, but instead of surging ahead of you she deliberately bumps you off the track and into the muddy grass inside the course.
>You lose your footing almost immediately and land with a wet splat in the soft grass.
>Fortunately, Rainbow Dash has also taught you how to take a fall without getting hurt, so you skid to a stop with everything intact.
>Except your dignity.
>Before you can get up, you feel a warm weight settle atop your hips.
>You're breathing too hard to speak at this point.
>Rainbow Dash is also breathing hard, but apparently it's not enough to stop her from gloating.
>"Like... I said... I caught you!"
"Dirty...pool"
>"I win!"
>And without any further preamble she pushes your shirt up and lowers her muzzle to your panting body.
>You feel her tongue making quick, broad strokes over your ribs and you try to push her away, but she's having none of it.
>"Oh yeah," she says between strokes of her tongue, "There's... definitely... something... to those... stories..."
>She bats your arm away again and wraps her rear legs around your thigh, anchoring herself in place.
>Rainbow Dash raises her head and looks at you.
>"I won, let me have my reward!"
"I never agreed to-"
>You are forced to interrupt yourself as she resumes licking, hitting a particularly sensitive spot with her tongue.
>You try to push her off again, but she merely tightens her grip on you, working her way up your chest to your neck and head.
>"We should do this more often!"
"What, sexual assault? No!"
>Clearly crazed with something, she seals of your protest with her mouth, aggressively pushing her tongue up against your lips.
>You keep your mouth firmly shut until she breaks the kiss.
>"See? This can be fun for both of us!"
"This isn't fun for me!"
>Not heeding your protest, she goes back to licking your neck.
>You're exhausted and she easily overpowers you until the intoxicating effects of the salt cause her to relax enough that you can finally pry her loose from your body and stand up.
>"That was great..."
"Alright, shower time."
>You angrily stalk off to the showers.
>This salt thing is starting to get out of control.
>"Hey Anon - best two out of three!"
"NOPE!"
>Fucking salt-starved ponies.

------

>"Here ya go, friend. One fresh, Apple Family Apple Cider, straight from the press!"
"Thanks Applejack, you have no idea how badly I need this."
>You haven't been working.
>You haven't been working out.
>You've been running.
>A few days ago, some pony at a bar discovered that you had salty sweat.
>Apparently salt is an intoxicant to ponies.
>She had let the secret slip to her friends, and you had just escaped from them.
>With the result that you are, of course, pretty sweaty right now.
>But you have a chance to relax near Sweet Apple Acres and have some apple juice for energy and hydration.
>Apples are amazing.
>Applejack puts the bits you gave her in the till and closes it, then walks around the cart to stand at your side.
>"Something wrong there, partner?"
"What makes you say that?"
>"Aw, I guess you'd call it intuition. You look like you've got quite a cloud hanging over you there, Anon."
>You have a sip of the delicious, vitality-restoring Apple Family Cider.
"Yeah, I suppose that in some sense that's a fairly accurate description."
>"Shucks, I don't like to see any pony suffering, so why don't ya tell me about it?"
>You give her a look.
>"Good advice free-of-charge, that's me."
>You know, she does have a lot of horse sense.
>Maybe she can help you out.
>You sigh.
"A couple of days ago, Juniper Berry - you know who she is, right?"
>Applejack nods and sits next to you.
"Well, I was hanging out in they bar, when she comes over and finds out that my sweat is salty."
>Applejack raises her eyebrows.
>"Is it, now?"
"Yeah, and she and her friends haven't given me a moment's peace since."
>"What do they do?"
"Well on hot days they follow me around and they... try to lick me."
>Applejack looks somewhat shocked.
>"They try to lick you? That sounds awfully forward of them."
"I know, right? I mean I've asked them to leave me alone, but they're really persistent,"
>Applejack fans herself with her hat.
>"Woo, hot one today. Any idea why they do that?"
"As far as I can tell, it's just the whole salt thing."
>"Aw pull the other one, Anon. You're making this up."
"Honest, I wish I was. They won't leave me alone."
>"Because of the salt thing?"
"Near as I can tell."
>"Anon, it seems to me that what you need right now is an expert opinion. May I?"
>She gestures to your bare arm, glistening with sweat, and since you have no reason not to trust her, you hold it up for her.
"Sure, have a look."
>She takes your arm in both of her fore-hooves and examines it with a critical eye.
>"Anon, any pony ever tell you that you're kinda hairy?"
"It has been mentioned, yes."
>Applejack rotates your arm to find a less hairy spot, then takes a sniff.
>After a moment, she looks at you inquiringly, and you nod.
>So she licks your arm, just a little.
>You watch her as she smacks her lips a few times.
>"One more, just to be sure."
"Okay."
>She takes a longer lick.
>"You know something Anon?"
"What's that?"
>In a surprising burst of speed she pins you to the ground.
>"I think those ponies jes might be onto something!"
>So much for trust, as Applejack's tongue works furiously over your skin.
>Her farm-hardened muscles hold you in a nigh-unbreakable grip as she pulls your collar down and goes at your neck and chest with gusto.
>"It's more than just salt," ssslurp "Anon, there's something," lick "powerful in there as well," suck, suck.
"For fuck's sake Applejack, cut it out! I need your help!"
>"You'll get it!, but first I need to help myself!"
>Applejack's warm tongue covers your neck in deft strokes, and you feel her crotch grind against your midriff.
>"Anon, for an alien you taste mighty darn good!"
>One chance left.
>You make a grab for your cider tankard, and pour the remaining contents over her head.
>She's stunned enough to pause and slacken her grip, allowing you to roll free.
"Applejack, control yourself!"
>"She looks at you, a crazed expression on her face, then suddenly she vigorously shakes her head.
>"Ah, I'm sorry Anon, i don't know what came over me!"
>The power of Apples.
"You good?"
>"Yeah, don't worry 'bout me none, I'm good."
>She takes several deep breaths.
>Whatever it was, she seems to have gotten it out of her system.
>"That's powerful stuff Anon, maybe a little beyond my expertise. Maybe you oughta talk to Twilight about it."
>Finally, some helpful advice.
>She grins at you now.
>"Of course, if you like, we could always run some more experiments ourselves, just the two of us..."
"APPLEJACK!"
>"Sorry, sorry, you're right. Why don't you head inside the farmhouse and get you a shower before we go see her? Might stop some of the frenzy at least."
"Good idea. Thanks."
>"Anything for a friend."
>You turn and head inside the Apple Family farmhouse to wash up.
>"Yep," Applejack muses to herself as she watches you leave, "anything for a friend."
>She turns the sign on her cider stand to "Closed", licks her lips, and follows you inside.

------

>Okay, this situation is getting out of control.
>It was bad enough when ponies in a bar discovered that you had salt in your sweat.
>Now your friends know it too.
>And as a result, your interactions with your friends just got really awkward.
>But Applejack had at least given you some useful advice.
>That useful advice had been to seek useful advice from Princess Twilight Sparkle.
>Although going to see Sparkle was not your first choice, to be sure.
>Every time you talked to her, it ended up in an argument.
>Or she would want to do experiments on you.
>Like it or not though, she was the one pony most likely to understand what was going on with ponies wanting to lick you.
>Spike answers the door.
>"Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
"I need to see Twilight Sparkle."
>Spike does a double-take.
>"Who are you and what have you done with Anon?"
"Very funny. Is she here?"
>"Yeah, she's here, in the Reading Room."
>Of course.
>"Come on in."
>You know the way to the Reading Room, and arrive there in short time.
>Spike, being the gracious host he is, has gone to make some tea for you.
>"A-anon! What a surprise, come in!"
>Twilight Sparkle puts down the book she was reading and gets up from her chair to greet you.
"Hi Twilight. Sorry to just drop in like this."
>"Oh, it's no bother. Today's been quiet. So, what can I do for you?"
"Well, to get right to it, I'm having a problem with some of the local ponies."
>"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they still think you're a monster?"
"No, they seem to think I'm a salt lick."
>The look of surprise that crosses her face is kinda cute.
>"Wait, what? How does that even work?"
"Well, when I exert myself or am outside in the heat for a while, I sweat..."
>Twilight levitates a notepad over and scribbles some notes.
>"Don't mind me, tell on."
"And human sweat is evidently salty enough that they like the taste, and some of them have tried to, er, take it further."
>Scratch, skritch, scratch, goes Twilight's quill.
>"Hmm, well that would seem to be a pretty amazing special talent you have there."
"It's really freakin' annoying, to be quite honest. I can't go anywhere on a hot day without being followed around by ponies, and the last time Rainbow Dash invited me to work out with her, I got mobbed at the gym."
>"Oh my, that does seem a little over the top."
"Tell me about it."
>Then she says the words you had been dreading.
>"I'm going to need to run a few tests."
>Great.
----
>Of course Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle has a sauna, because why not?
>Why drag it out, it doesn't take long for you to work up a good sweat under these conditions.
>You are fairly embarrassed to be wearing only a towel as Twilight carefully collects samples from your skin, until she has about an inch of your sweat in a test tube.
>You follow her to her lab to get some answers.
>Twilight carefully adds a drop to a reagent in a beaker, which changes red.
>"Well, there is definitely salt present in your sweat."
/Thank you, Princess Obvious./
>You already knew that.
>She carefully sniffs the contents of the test tube, and a faint blush creeps into her cheeks.
>"There's definitely more to it that just that though."
"What is the big deal with salt licks anyhow?"
>"Hmm? Oh, well most of us don't get enough sodium in our diets."
>Twilight adopts a professorial tone as she continues performing experiments on your sweat.
>"And that can lead to health problems. Salt licks are an easy remedy, but when overdone they can induce a state much like intoxication."
"Yeah, I think I've seen that in action. Some of the mares particularly get pretty "hoofsy" after a bit, and a couple have even pulled clothing off of me."
>Twilight blushes as you recount this tale of woe.
"Applejack thinks there may be more to my sweat than just salt, and that's what causes ponies to lose control."
>"It's a possibility."
>A small puff of smoke arises from Twilight's workbench.
>"There's no particularly unusual quality, other than the high salt content, that I can empirically detect. Maybe it's something subjective."
"Meaning?"
>"It would affect some ponies more than others. You did say it's been mostly mares, right?"
"Mostly."
>"Hmm, pheromones, perhaps? But in sweat?"
"What are pheromones?"
>"Oh, they're like chemical signals that affect the behavior of other organisms. Mares give off some during estrus, but I've never heard of a stallion giving off any."
"So you think it might be just because I'm a different species?"
>Twilight puts the tube in a rack and takes off her safety glasses.
>"Well, I'm afraid there's only one way to test that hypothesis."
"And what's that?"
>"Direct experimentation."
"Wait, what?"
>Twilight Sparkle's horn glows, and you find yourself unable to move.
>The Princess of Friendship turns from her lab workbench and advances on you.
"Twilight, what are you doing?"
>"Running a test."
/Oh shit, here we go again./
>Twilight starts with a long sniff at your midriff, her blush deepening, until finally she shudders.
>"Oh yes, there is definitely some pheromone effect here as well."
>Her magic rotates you in midair until you're lying on your back.
"Is this part of the procedure?"
>"Hush, I need to concentrate or I might suffer the same effects."
>It looks very much to you as though she is already suffering some of the same effects.
>Twilight delicately pokes out her tongue and makes a long lick up your sternum to the hollow of your throat, shuddering again.
>"Wow, that is probably the most exotic thing I have ever tasted."
"Are you in the habit of licking your friends? Or test subjects?"
>"Not really, but I wouldn't mind developing such a habit."
/Oh shit again./
>And with that, Twilight Sparkle goes to town on your chest and stomach, lapping up your sweat with increasing vigor.
>Unlike with other ponies, she has mad magical skills.
>So you can't really get away.
"Twilight, stop! I think the stuff is getting to you!"
>"Mmmm, oh yes it is. Oh, it's absolutely amazing!"
"Twilight, I like you and all, but I am really not cool with the-mmmmph"
>Twilight Sparkle silences your protest by sealing her lips over yours and driving her tongue deep into your mouth.
>She still won't let you go, damn overpowered magical princess pony.
>She breaks the kiss, breathing hard, and follows up with a sensuous lick of your ear.
>The book she had been reading earlier floats up above you now, as Twilight shows you the title.
>"The Pony Sutra".
>That book is significantly larger than you would expect.
>"So what do you say, Anon, ready to take our friendship to the next level?"
"That's really not what I came here for."
>"Learn to be flexible then."
----
>And that's how you wound up lying on the floor of Twilight's laboratory, with her sprawled across you and peacefully sleeping off the intoxicating effects of your sweat.
>You don't think you'll ever view a pony in the same way again.
>You desperately want a cigarette, but there are none to be had in Equestria.

------

>Day NaCl in Equestria.
>Triple S, making sure to scrub well.
>Winter is coming on, so you can relax a bit.
>Mainly because you don't sweat so much.
>Honestly, wearing long shirtsleeves and trousers in the Summer heat was annoying.
>But it did stop the odd pony from taking a taste of "the walking salt lick".
>Yeah, that headline had actually appeared in the local newspaper.
>Much to your chagrin.
>You find yourself surprised that one pony, though, has been absent from the tongue frenzy.
>Your old nemesis, Butterhush.
>You know she's got to be plotting something, and you're dreading the day you find out what.
>With winter coming on though, you are obliged to make sure you have adequate fuel for heat.
>So you set aside today to split firewood for your stove.
>It's a good way to take your mind off the the events of the preceding summer.
>The endless pursuits, and attacks that you perceived as being blatantly sexual, even though it was really just ponies trying to get high af.
>Shake it off.
>Set, sight, chop, clear, repeat.
>That's all that matters today.
>You pause in the brisk cool air to take a sip of your hot cocoa.
>This is a man's life, chopping wood for the winter-wait, what hot cocoa?
>You didn't make yourself any hot cocoa.
>A delicate feminine voice clears its throat behind you, making your blood turn to ice in your veins.
>You turn around to face her, suddenly feeling unsteady on your feet.
>"Um, hi."
>Your vision begins to darken and you look at the cup of hot cocoa, which suddenly slips from your slackened grasp.
>You feel warm all over.
>Your yellow tormentor rises from behind a bush and trots over to you, all sweetness and light.
"Fluttershy, what... did you..."
>"Oh I was just wondering if tongue play was your fetish?"
"Buu..."
>You sink to your knees, and she darts up to you, surprisingly catching your weight as you topple over, muscles gone numb.
>"Oh, but you'll catch cold out here! Let's get you inside and put you to bed where you can rest properly."
>From the way she's licking her lips, you can tell that she doesn't actually mean for you to get much rest.
>Straining and grunting with the load, she half-carries, half-drags you back to your cozy cabin.
>True to her word, she puts you to bed, before she draws the shades and the curtains.
>Then she hops up onto the bed with you, standing astride your helpless form and looking down at you with the sweetest, love-sick expression.
>She's breathing hard, and you can swear you see little hearts in her eyes.
>Oh yeah, you can still feel everything, but your muscles don't seem to be answering the helm.
>"Whew! That was a bit of work! I'm almost as sweaty as you are!"
>With that, she rips open your shirt, sending buttons flying everywhere.
>"Almost," she repeats, with a long, drawn-out lick of her lips.
>Fluttershy lowers her head and gets straight to it.
>Her technique is vastly different from the other such attacks you've suffered.
>Whereas most other ponies seemed content to lap up salty sweat as quickly as possible, there is definitely an element of sensuality to Fluttershy's long, drawn out strokes.
>Her lewd moans and the fact that's she begins to play with herself as she gets intoxicated have also not previously been on the menu of such events.
>"Oh yes! Mama feels so good now! Time for the main course!"
>She slides herself back and fumbles at your belt and trousers.
>She continues fumbling.
>She's apparently to far in the bag to to successfully manipulate your alien clothes fastenings.
>As a result of either her drugs or her continuing ministrations, perhaps both, you are also hard as a rock.
>That she can feel your raging erection but can't access it is apparently a huge source of frustration to her.
>"Dammit! (hic) I will not be de-(hic), de-(hic), denied now! Not after all I've (hic) done!"
>She shifts her position and plops her dripping sex down on the lump in your trousers as hard as she can, and grinds on you for all she's worth.
>"Come on! I'm SO CLOSE!!"
>She rides harder, moving up and down on your midsection with greater urgency.
>"One day my love, we'll do this for real! Oh yes we wi-AHHNNNN!!!"
>You can feel her love juices soaking through your trousers as her eyes roll back and her tongue lolls out.
>"Oh yeah, best day ever..."
>And with that, she passes out on top of you.
>There was never any actual penetration, so you're not sure if this counts as rape or not.
>These are the sorts of thoughts that roll around in your head until, with a sensation like pins and needles, your muscles gradually begin to wake up.
----
>"Her again?"
"Afraid so, guys."
>It's still kinda hard to walk, but you have managed to clean up, change clothes, and carry the still softly snoring, inebriated yellow pegasus to the guard house.
>She's a national hero, so you doubt anything will happen to her this time either.
>But at least she's their problem now.
>Until she wakes up, at least.
>The guards take your report and take Fluttershy to the hospital.
>You decide that you're going to try to find the strongest drink this podunk, one-human town sells, and try to bleach the incident from your mind.

------

>Word gets around that you leak salt when you sweat.
>Multiple invitations to the gym.
>Ponies knocking incessantly on your door on sunny days.
>It isn't even estrus season, dammit!
>Really prefer to make your living in some fashion other than being a drug dealer to ponies.
>Decide to appeal to higher authority.
>Write a letter to Princess Celestia explaining the problem and asking for help.
>Get Spike to send it because he's a total bro and doesn't care for salt that way anyhow.
>The very next day, a knock on your door.
>Check through the peephole.
>Royal visitors.
>You open your door, welcoming Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to your humble abode.
>Wishing you had tidied up a bit first.
>Celestia and Luna graciously accept the limited hospitality you are able to offer, and ask you to describe your problem in greater detail.
>As you're talking, it seems to be getting very warm.
>Lots of sunshine coming in through the windows.
>Princess Luna politely asks you to remove your shirt, so that she and her sister can analyze the problem properly.
>Of course you comply.
>Seized by powerful magic.
>"You understand that this is for the good of Equestria."
>They hold you down, licking you all over until they are both quite intoxicated.
>"We shall resume our observations after a short recess."
>Both pass out.
>In your home.
>Seriously consider legging it out of there and never returning.
>But you are far too gracious a host for that.
>Get dressed, and make them some coffee for when they finally wake up.
>Sun is still shining through your window in the middle of the night.
>Twilight Sparkle knocks on your door.
>"ANONYMOUS! What in Equestria have you done this time?"
>Sure.
>Like this is your fault somehow.

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